Ego…

As popular as the Buddhism is, I would like to say that I do not agree with the idea of Ego being a bad thing…

I think it makes you want to grow and improve. I mentioned it in my previous post, but I decided to post it even clearer. It is a question that bothers me.

Doesn’t feeling oneself ONLY a part of the world, steal  responsibility and, in a way, free will?

Maybe this all Ego-denying is just another trick for ruling people? Making them a crowd, trying to calm (=shut) down their minds, make them stop figuring out and thinking? I understand that meditation is a wonderful thing, and I DO practice it from time to time, and it DOES make you centered… However complete fanaticism never drives anywhere good.  Why become wishless, mindless, willess? Stopping trying to improve (too Ego-like), become less kind,less interesting, less attractive… Why would Budda need that? …

Something is wrong here.

 

Clean sheets of paper)

This looks like some clean sheets of paper to write on. .. I am drawn to clean sheets of paper.  However lately I just scorn myself all the time for not writing. Anything.  As if I was obliged. I don’t know whether I am or not. Is the capacity of putting words together and a hysteric ton of ideas (following you ALL the time) wanting to be somehow expressed something obliging you to write?.. Who knows.

I feel like it is. I feel like I AM obliged, I obliged myself. There is this idea of Richard Bach, “We are each given a block of marble when we begin a lifetime, and the tools to shape it into sculpture… We can drag it behind us untouched, we can pound it into gravel, we can shape it into glory”… (Quotes are not the Truth, of course (too many stick to them), but they are so often a relief-bringing reflection of what you feel).

This is of course a point of view of an Ego-believer – that you have to DO something, to grow, to be better… ANd I am one)). I think it is our debt maybe to try and bring something to the world, something “improved-version” by working on our Personality, our Way, our Actions.  “For the love of art” (just to like the result)  and because not everybody is given the same features. We enrich the world by doing the best – however we can.

Or even by trying.  To be better, to act better, to create.

Which in the terms of writing I do not feel myself doing now – I mean creating in the meaning of writing (though I vainly believe myself to be otherwise creative, however this is an annoying ego of myself saying that)).

So… Would maybe and probably  writing down my graphomanic projections could bring me into the mood to finally write?

And I prefer to do it in English. I do not that much pay attention to the idea of childhood affecting our life (I think the idea is over-used and parents are under-estimated in this lighting), but funnily,  my language teachers always encouraged me to writing and my Russian Literature one (with all respect to her, she was very VERY talented in teaching grammar and orthography) didn’t.  Re-writing, re-writing, re-writing… (I do write correctly in Russian, just constant re-writing the characteristics of the “War and Peace” heroes and on and on)…

So it’s strange but through years I found that I feel easier to write down my thoughts in English and French.  I guess I do it better in Russian, but it FEELS better to do otherwise.

SO, shamelessly going the easy way, I start this blog).